DEEP IN THE WOODS NEXT TO VLSB, Calif. – Berkeley Consulting has unveiled a new, state-of-the-art recruitment format by hosting their first annual “Stripped for …
BearWalk Extends Operation Hours Following ‘BearWalk-of-Shame’ Rebrand
BERKELEY, Calif.– Got stranded in a blasphemous frat bathroom and couldn’t stop pulling trig until 3 AM? Hookup gave you the boot from his place …
UC President Michael Drake’s “Free Speech Ban” Receives Full Support, Zero Opposition
A HOME YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD, Calif. — After months of encampments protesting Israel’s ethnic cleansing of Palestinians, brother of Michael Josh and …
Shocking: Homer’s ‘The Odyssey’ Plagiarized from Doe Women’s Restroom Graffiti
BERKELEY, Calif.– In the most shocking revelation since Sappho having more than just “gal pals,” anthropology researchers found that Homer’s so-called “original” (The Odyssey) was …
Considerate Biden Drops Out Only 8 Months Too Late
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks of debate regarding President Biden’s mental sharpness and ability to formulate basic sentences without sounding like a 400-year-old corpse, he …
Moffitt Removes Smoking Section
BERKELEY, Calif.– As part of his early plans to modernize campus grounds, Chancellor-elect Richard Lyons’ has announced the removal of Moffitt’s smoking section by Fall …
Frequently Referenced ‘Local Man’ Decides to Move
TERRA INCOGNITA, Calif.— Daily life in the small community of Terra Incognita has been completely uprooted after resident community member, myth, legend, hero, and sometimes …
Student Accused of Plagiarism Cites Right to Reproductive Freedom
BERKELEY, Calif. – A student accused of submitting a plagiarized Constitutional Law midterm is fighting the accusation by citing what she calls “her right to …
Kid Who Coughed During Midterm Burned at the Stake
BERKELEY, Calif. – At noon on Friday, April 26th, students gathered in front of Doe Library for Berkeley’s 4th-weirdest event, the burning of Kian Hess, …
Student Can Pay Attention to Two Hour Riverdale Video Essay but Not Her Sociology Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif. — Tuesday morning, Media Studies student Karina Jansen was shocked to discover that watching a two-hour long video essay titled “How Riverdale Changed …