“Speaking here in corollary with the strict criteria theory at play rather than in juxtaposition to the dynamic existential argument, I consider your intrinsically hyperlexical perspective thought experiment to be nuanced, reflexive, and sound. In other words, based.”
Berkeley Student Unable to Enroll in Happiness Until Phase 2
BERKELEY, Calif. – Berkeley senior Cameron Hall found himself in a predicament faced by many when he was unable to enroll in basic human happiness …
UC Regents Hire Michael Drake’s New Stepbrother, Michael Josh
SAN DIEGO – UC Regents assembled at UCSD on Monday, prepared to deliver paradigm-shattering news to current UC faculty. Without hesitation, Regent Chair Rich Leib …
Newly-Admitted Haas Students Organize Giant Celebratory Zoom Circle Jerk on Google Calendar
“It’s really about Questioning the Status Quo. Since we already cyber-bully each other — anonymously, of course — and pick-and-choose who we cheat with, who’s to say that we shouldn’t be open to a greater range of emotions and explore something other than the sticks up our asses?”
UC Berkeley Announces Phase Allocation of COVID-19 Vaccine to be Determined by SAT Score
BERKELEY, Calif. – Amid self-sequester mandates in UC Berkeley residence halls and an increase in UCPD presence to limit the spread of COVID-19, the university …
Frat Bros Adopt Strict Raw Diet So Girls Will Bark At Them Too
“And that’s when it clicked — it wasn’t my comments on their bodies that were fucking me over, it was my lack of proper nourishment.”
UC Berkeley Gives Alleged Sexual Assailants Priority Registration Because They’d Do the Same If It Was Their Son
BERKELEY, Calif. – Following revelations about multiple sexual assault allegations, UC Berkeley officials announced that sexual perpetrators would receive priority registration because they’d “do the …
KKG Accidentally Bids Diverse Class Due To Blind Rush
BERKELEY, Calif. – With the beginning of the school year going virtual and racial tensions higher than ever after Berkeley’s Panhellenic Community reposted pastel pictures …
Top Dog Rebrands to Top/Bottom Dog to Show Allyship for the Gays
BERKELEY, Calif. – This morning, Berkeley’s hottest wiener franchise, Top Dog Hotdogs, announced its first rebranding since its founding in 1966 to support the city’s …