BERKELEY, Calif. – On January 11th, 2024, BART announced a new plan to thwart pesky turnstile hoppers through the employment of a blood-curdling, spine-chilling troll …
Taylor Swift Tells Environmental Activists To ‘Shake It Off’
LAS VEGAS, Nevada. — In a decision resulting in white women becoming the most defensive group since the time people asked them to stop filming …
Canceled? Babies Revealed to Kick Pregnant Women
LOS ANGELES, Calif.– Shock befell the nation today as babies everywhere had their troubling histories revealed. Amelia Peterson, chief reporter for The Washington Post’s child …
Berkeley Police Dedicate People’s Park Barricade With Land Acknowledgement
BERKELEY, Calif. – Protestors and pedestrians watched in disbelief Friday morning as 400 law enforcement officers began their daily barricade enforcement of People’s Park with …
Report: Dead Week Fling Not Helping Anybody
BERKELEY, Calif. — Troubled waters lie ahead for ambitious sophomores Kent Fokus and Anita Studdy, whose now 82-hour-old fling began this past Sunday night. “I …
Clickbait! Female Professor’s ‘Partner’ Actually Just Straight Husband
BERKELEY, Calif. — On Wednesday morning, an American Studies class’s final review session erupted in turmoil when professor Genevieve Bater accidentally projected a photo of …
$4 Supermarket Wine Has Notes of Alcohol
BERKELEY, Calif. – Local sommelier and Chi Omega social chair, Michelle Klein, has discovered that one of the $3.99 bottles of Charles Shaw Shiraz purchased …
Pope Admits He Could Kiss a Man, But Never Date One
VATICAN CITY –– For the first time in its centuries-old history, the Vatican’s top dog is leading the Roman Catholic Church in what some call …
Report: ‘Girl Dinner’ Also Trend in the Cannibal Community
TOWN FULL OF DARK AND STORMY NIGHTS – The viral phenomenon of “girl dinner” – meals typically consisting of randomly assembled portions of food – …
Honoring His Legacy: 11,000 Cluster Bombs to be Dropped on Henry Kissinger’s Body
HARTFORD, Conn. – Nobel Peace Prize recipient and carpet bomber of Laos and Cambodia, Henry Kissinger, has passed away at the early age of 100. …