BERKELEY, Calif.– Students enrolled in ECON 100B, Cobalt and Child Labor: A Match Made in Heaven, were dismayed to learn that their midterm would be …
Shocking: This Parent Found Bladee in Child’s Halloween Candy
BERKELEY, Calif. – Despite taking the necessary precautions as advised by the Berkeley Police Department, local parent Dray Ner was mortified to find that their …
Report: ‘Sexy Cat’ Neither Sexy Nor Cat
BERKELEY, Calif. — An investigative report led by renowned geneticist Professor Jennifer Doudna has revealed after rigorous research and genome sequencing that the infamous “sexy …
Xfinity Releases Premium Plan Where Your Wi-Fi Actually Works
PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – Today, Xfinity outlined a new premium pricing arrangement, in which a paltry $19.99 monthly surcharge would reward users with working Wi-Fi. CEO …
Friend Using Wine Bottle as Vase Really Nailing That ‘Young, Frugal, and Sexy’ Look
BERKELEY, Calif. – Recent reports show that your ‘almost 20-year-old’ friend wowed apartment guests this past weekend with decor that really made a statement, specifically, …
Starbucks Renames ‘Chai Tea Latte’ to ‘Masala Milky Milk’
SEATTLE, W.A. – It’s a pumpkin-spice time of year, and as Starbucks’ Bored-Ass Directors attempt to single handedly tackle racism and injustice again, they turn …
Rich Friend Who ‘Owns an Island’ Just Has Upscale Kitchen
ALBANY, Calif.– In an age where extreme wealth has accumulated at the very top of the nation’s income distribution, Cal student Will Daly was shocked …
Bipartisan King? McCarthy Reaches Across Aisle to Get Both Sides to Hate Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following an excruciating nine month tenure, California Republican Kevin McCarthy has been ousted by his party members and enemies (which overlap quite …
‘Business Business Business,’ Says Wall Street Journal About Something, Probably
NEW YORK CITY – After a series of major shocks involving stocks and banks, financial news outlets are declaring that things have happened with money …
New Telegraph Establishment to Sell Experimental Drink ‘Boba’
Berkeley, Calif. –– Telegraph Avenue is no stranger to a continuous turnover of culinary businesses trying to balance extravagant commercial rent and an irritating, bookwormy …