BERKELEY, Calif.– Got stranded in a blasphemous frat bathroom and couldn’t stop pulling trig until 3 AM? Hookup gave you the boot from his place at 5 in the morning, making you hike a mile back home? Following high student demand from recent campus safety concerns, BearWalk has extended its measly operation hours from 2:30 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. after announcing a “BearWalk-of-Shame” rebrand.
“Fuck the blue jackets, BearWalk-of-Shame wholeheartedly embraces the void you experience after hooking up with a 22 year old man who frequents Kips 18+ Nights a little too often!” raved Community Service Officer Nolan Sharpe, hastily distributing flyers on Sproul. “Community service officers are newly trained to listen empathetically (by nodding every 5 seconds to demonstrate affirmation) to your D1 yap-fest regarding your 2-month situationship, coming equipped with a boyfriend sweatshirt you were never able to earn, and a box of Kleenex to wipe that not-so-waterproof mascara tear trail!”
Prior to the official announcement of the major rebrand, BearWalk-of-Shame launched a pilot program, amassing spectacular reviews from participants.
“Unlike the fact that it was totally my last time seeing him, it was certainly not my last time using BearWalk-of-Shame,” raved junior Marbella Leo, who spent the past weekend grieving over her sore calves and love life. “I appreciate the thoughtfulness evident in BearWalk-of-Shame. Yes, the community service officer did make me return the hoodie and bought me a generic emergency contraceptive pill, but shit, at least he bought it for me!”
BearWalk-of-Shame does not solely benefit those escorted, but extends its profound reach to those who experience the true brunt of the previous non-extended hours.
“I would have offered her an Uber, but honestly, money’s been looking a little tight this month and I’m trying to save up for a Yeezy Porn subscription,” bitched junior Otto Faneto, preoccupied with texting five different women at once. “I’m just glad she wanted to get the fuck out ASAP and called BearWalk-of-Shame. I didn’t even have to send a ‘Are you home safe?’ text! BearWalk-of-Shame backs the boys.”
After assessing the glowing reviews the pilot program has received, UC Berkeley has decided to allocate the 3-year $200K Linkedin Premium funding to instead fund BearWalk-of-Shame, since the only positions Cal students care about are in the bedroom!