A HOME YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD, Calif. — After months of encampments protesting Israel’s ethnic cleansing of Palestinians, brother of Michael Josh and University of California President Michael Drake has put an end to the tyrannical inconveniencing of students through a unanimously celebrated prohibition of free speech.
“I believe that this decision truly demonstrates our Glorious Leader’s tenacity,” UC representative Kris Miyazz commented. “While you can’t please everyone—especially across campuses as diverse as ours—the Respected Comrade Michael Drake has wielded his awe-some might and godly abilities to do just that.”
While a majority—if not all—of Drake’s inner cabinet have been praising his decision, there are some individuals who otherwise take issue with Drake’s decision.
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Unfortunately, those individuals have all been forcibly “disappeared” on Drake’s orders and, thus, were unavailable for comment.
“I believe that this is a ‘great leap forward’ for the University of California as a whole,” UC Berkeley political expert and political science major Hunter Fischer noted. “Look, I get that genocide is, like, a bad thing or whatever, but, honestly, I’ve got more important things to worry about—like whether or not the girl from my class found my Discussion Post engaging and insightful, or if my Professor is looking for a sorry sucker like me to do unpaid labor for him. Who’s gonna remember the Palestineans when they’re all wiped out? I’ve got myself to think of. Hmm… Perhaps I could use their suffering for my own gain as a thesis topic!”
As campus security guards have begun to sweep away the last remnants of the encampments, general morale seems to be up according to the UC’s own statistics.
“Maybe now instead of hiring riot police, we can use that extra money for more important things—like granting another million dollars in raises to our consistently unsuccessful football coach, or even buying back our stadium after we lost our investment in a Crypto scam,” UC Berkeley Peace & Conflict Studies Professor Hilda Kapoor said. “Or maybe we can even use it to provide more investments to Israel!”
As students head back to class to learn about the importance of Berkeley’s political history, everyone on campus seems excited to keep Berkeley’s historic legacy exactly that: historical.
“I can say with confidence that this policy will not backfire on already marginalized minority gr—Oh, what’s that? An email?” commented UC Berkeley instructor Bryan Mons-Pubis. “I’m sorry, I have to go. Some old Tweets of mine just resurfaced, and now I lost my job.”
With students returning to campus soon, Supreme Glorious Commander of Heavenly Divine Nature and both Mandate of Heaven and Divine Right of Kings Possessor President Drake has reaffirmed his openness to public dialogue, ranging from praise to high praise.