BERKELEY, Calif.— On Friday afternoon, chaos erupted in Evans Hall when Math 16B GSI Keith Shepard was caught pleasuring himself with 50 printed out sheets …
Premature Assassination? UnitedHealthcare CEO Shot 4 Days Before Dead Week
NEW YORK – On Wednesday, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was denied his claim to keep living by an unidentified gunman. While reactions have ranged from …
Womp Womp! Professor Only Receives Seated Ovation After Final Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif. — As Professor Dee Merit concluded his final calculus lecture this past Wednesday, the room erupted into a polite smattering of applause as …
Tsunami Warning Canceled After Old Tweets Resurface
BERKELEY, Calif. [Formerly Atlantis] — Public officials have cancelled Thursday’s tsunami warning after discovering the Warning’s problematic Twitter account and equally problematic tweets, sources with …
Expert Breakdown on Tsunami Given by Frat Guy Who Went to One Earthquakes Lecture
ATLANTIS [Formerly Berkeley, California] – Tensions were high at Rich Lyon’s emergency press conference to discuss the tsunami and the potential ramifications on the city …
What Your #1 Artist on Spotify Wrapped Says About You
LOS ANGELES – Following Spotify releasing users’ annual Spotify Wrappeds today, music experts from Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, and the deepest sweatiest corners of 4chan have …
Berkeley Man Says Land Acknowledgment Before Calling His Ex a Bitch
BERKELEY, Calif.– Last Friday at Kips, the bi-weekly support group for “Men with Psychotic Ex-Girlfriends” gathered around a massive fishbowl cocktail. Leading the group’s discussion …
Daily Cal Launching New Weekly Column: Celibacy in the City
BERKELEY, Calif. Following the summertime success of the 1998 television phenomenon, Sex and the City, UC Berkeley’s Daily Californian has launched a new weekly sex(less) …
“Did Someone Say Bonfire?” Asks White Childish Gambino Fan Too Enthusiastically
BERKELEY, Calif. – After overhearing his roommates talk about attending the pre-Big Game Bonfire Rally without him, White Childish Gambino fan and generally disliked student …
Healthcare Wizard? Dr. Oz Proclaims Americans Must Defeat Wicked Witch to Claim Medicare Coverage
WASHINGTON, D.C – In a stupefying turn of events, President-elect Trump has officially nominated Dr. Mehemet “The Great and Terrible” Oz to oversee Medicare, prompting …