WASHINGTON D.C.—Breaking news out of the capitol today, as House Democrats issue a new initiative for a “Fetal Fee,” also known as a tax on …
Fox News Wins: Girl Scouts of America Forced to Take Gender and Fentanyl Out of Their Cookies
THE INTERSECTION OF HELL AND THE END — In a stunning victory for the puppeteers operating the cast of Fox News and their loyal brigade …
Paradise Lost: Your Opps Have Returned From Fall Semester Abroad
A month into the semester. You’ve begun to settle in. You know the faces, the characters that color your classes. You’ve become comfortable. But then …
Python Commits Ritual Suicide After Attempting to Run 61A Midterm Code
A DIMLY LIT SODA HALL 320 – Tears and cries surrounded the halls of Berkeley early Wednesday morning. CS students and professors alike mourned the …
Lovebomb Alert! Acquaintance Puts Me on Close Friends Story
BERKELEY, Calif. — As some young lovebirds were enjoying their sickenly-sweet Valentine’s Day, several Instagram users had their love tested upon discovering that acquaintances they …
Professor Spends Another Valentine’s Day Alone in Office Hours
BERKELEY, Calif.— As his clock struck 5:30 PM without a single student entering, Professor Milton Keyton concluded yet another completely empty office hours, only to …
“Is Anyone Going Northside?” Asks Friend Group’s Weakest Link
BERKELEY, Calif. – Have you been left on read simultaneously by six of your closest college friends? Recent studies show it might not just be …
Graduating Senior Minoring in “School”
BERKELEY, Calif.– UC Berkeley Senior Sydney Qiu impressed family and friends by recently deciding to pursue a minor in ‘School’ in addition to her major …
Haas Student Disappointed to Learn “Appreciating Assets” Isn’t Just Liking Bikini Pictures on Instagram
BERKELEY, Calif.– In UGBA 135, Business Administration sophomore and “Tycoon Consulting” social chair Jake Thompson was seen falling to his knees in Chou Hall after …
Kendrick Lamar Concert Scheduled to be Interrupted by Chiefs and Eagles Game
On Sunday, February 9th, the world will sit back and watch the culmination of a battle that’s been brewing since the summer of 2024: Kendrick …