BERKELEY, Calif.– While the brothers at AEPi are getting moms drunk at seven A.M. this morning, mega loser freshman Tommy Tinklepants woke up to the …
BREAKING: Monday Class to Start with Midterm
BERKELEY, Calif. – Due to totally foreseeable and controllable circumstances, many Monday classes are accommodating the two weeks worth of missed classes by having students …
Graduating Rausser Student Tosses Out Confetti Alongside All Principles
BERKELEY, Calif. — After four hard years of studying the environment and why it is important to protect, graduating Rausser student Talullah Messmacher commemorated her …
Pope Leo XIV to Install St. Peter’s Basilica’s First McDonald’s
VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo XIV made his debut as the world’s first American pope, promising to demonstrate his dedication to the Catholic faith as …
‘I Don’t Think the P-Value Is Significant at All,’ Says Stat 20 Student Drenched in Urine
BERKELEY, Calif.– At a recent Stat 20 final exam review session, freshman Bahd Kydnee enthusiastically answered “no” to a GSI’s question about whether the p-value …
Locked in? Hardworking Student Still Stuck in Moffitt
BERKELEY, Calif – Since the closure of Moffitt (fan-favorite yapping spot and alleged “library”), students around campus have been forced to procrastinate literally everywhere elsewhere. …
Haas Students at Cafe Think Not Doing Any of That
BERKELEY, Calif. – After a hard day of scrolling Instagram reels, learning multiplication tables, and saying “synergy,” Haas students astounded the rest of the Berkeley …
The Free Peach’s Pope Endorsements
VATICAN CITY – After the passing of the first non-European pope, Pope Francis, the Vatican has begun the search for his replacement. As a satirical …
Berkeley Co-op Rats Stage Crawl Out in Protest of Rent Increase
BERKELEY, Calif.– Following yet another controversial rent increase for the human Berkeley co-op residents, rodent residents of the co-ops are in an upsqeuak. Besides the …
‘Does Anyone Know What to Do????’ Asks Entire Nation
AMERICA – Following numerous events and incidents, people across the nation this week are collectively asking: “does anyone know what to do?” “I honestly have …