“It’s not you, it’s me,” stated the Doe lamp. “We just don’t fit together. I’m never going to change, even if it would make the lives of thousands of students much easier.”
BERKELEY, Calif. — An exciting new report by leading economists at the University of California, Berkeley has some advice to give Millennials: eat shit and die.
“The best course of action for Millennials to take in this highly-competitive, globalized, 21st-century economy is quite simply to eat shit and die,” declared Nobel Laureate David Card in the ‘Discussion’ section of the report. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it—you guys [Millennials] are fucked. Rising income inequality, right-wing public policy, and impending environmental collapse have all but ensured that you will never retire comfortably or enjoy a decent standard of living. Unless you are happy wage-slaving through your golden years without adequate healthcare benefits or a home, I suggest taking the quickest possible exit from this unrelenting hellscape we call existence. Alternatively, if that isn’t an option, try cutting back on the avocado toast and the Starbucks frappuccinos. Sure, it’ll do little to help you financially, but at least it’ll make you moderately less annoying.”
“These young kids think they can mess with tradition, but they’re dead wrong,” yelled 85-year-old baseball fan Smith Smithers. “How can we watch baseball if there’s no time for the television commentators to tell long unrelated stories about the minutiae of life while waiting for nothing to happen on screen?”
“It’s discrimination and a miscarriage of justice through and through. It’s quite simple and plain in fact, unlike Costco’s delectable rotisserie chickens.”
BERKELEY, CA. — Following three days of bedlam, UC Berkeley’s campus has been left strewn with debris from the lengthy, bacchanalian exodus of Phish fans. …
“We’re leveraging the potential of shovels in a way that’s never been done before,” said Diggs, his eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand PowerPoint presentations. “Our innovative approach will create unparalleled value for our customers while disrupting the traditional shovel market.”
“Tucker certainly left some big shoes to fill, but I am confident that I will live up to his legacy. To prepare for the role, I watched thirty-five hours of green M&M porn and spent eight years repeatedly writing the word ‘woke’ on a wall and then getting terrified by it.”
“It was the right decision by far,” began longtime SNL producer Lorne Michaels. “And I mean by far, like a far-right decision.”
BERKELEY, Calif. — Cal history Professor Orn Ery pulled his GSI aside during lecture this past Thursday with some unrequested advice regarding their professional future, …
BERKELEY, Calif. — According to reports from his professors, GSIs, and classmates, New Jersey exchange student Benny Shoobie has been having trouble adjusting to the English-language mode of instruction at UC Berkeley.
“I know it’s not [Shoobie’s] fault for growing up in another culture, but unfortunately the language barrier is becoming a real issue,” said English Professor Cristina Matthews, who has Shoobie in one of her afternoon classes. “For example, the other day, I had a staff meeting in the morning and had to skip breakfast. By the time I was delivering my lecture, my tummy started rumbling really loudly, and when it did, Benny yelled out, ‘Jeet yet?’. Now, I have no idea what ‘jeet’ is, so I said, ‘I don’t know’. Then he randomly blurted out, ‘Jet?’ and I said, ‘Where?’ and he said, ‘Fugghedaboutit’ and I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused in my life.”