BERKELEY, Calif.– After a drunk cig outside Tap Haus last week, Pope Francis has taken a break from breathing as a serious sacrifice for Lent, the Catholic holiday during which people give up anything from Amazon same-day shipping to extramarital relationships in order to commemorate the suffering of Jesus Christ.
“The ultimate sacrifice will make itself apparent, but if anyone is looking for suggestions, I highly recommend giving up swearing at people in the grocery store parking lot,” explained Pope Francis during a press conference before his transition. “The joy of knowing they will go to hell is worth the restraint.”
Papal expert and guy who is way too into Conclave, Gill Tee, detailed the process.
“In order to trigger a respiratory reaction that would prevent him from breathing on his own, Pope Francis created a bonfire in front of the Vatican which he then tended to for two days, collecting each individual speck of ash for use on millions of foreheads this Ash Wednesday. Additionally, my Catholicism-themed band CeliBassy performed and the Vatican provided free beers for those who attended. We’re pretty up and coming but we reached #256 on the Vatican billboard charts.”
“Pope Francis is having a relatively smooth transition to life with the ventilator. He seems alright,” said Papal Social Media Liaison Dio Ocese. “Once a day, he raises his right hand for a spoonful of peanut butter and his left for a sip of holy water.”
While there has been confusion about who will feed the gospel to the poor while the Pope is incapacitated, he has indicated that he plans to be back in time for his important role as the Easter Bunny.