GREECE — Research done by UC Berkeley Classics Professor Edgar d’Aulaire has uncovered the existence of a new myth.

“It was quite strange,” reported d’Aulaire in an article hidden behind a $40,000 paywall. “We started to translate recently-uncovered texts and noticed some familiar patterns. Upon finding discussion of a ‘17-year-old queen’ and ‘Meryl Streep,’ we realized that something was amiss. With further translation, we found that the lyrics to every ABBA song were written thousands of years ago! I expect this discovery to make waves throughout the field that I’ll ride for the next 30 years as my teaching ability progressively tanks.”

d’Aulaire’s coauthor, graduate student Omar Apollo (no relation), was able to provide more information into their research.

“In the myth, a demigoddess lures Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon to an island for her wedding,” Apollo explained. “Apparently, they all took a break from railing their sisters to smash some mortal instead, with various levels of trickery involved. While the gods are on the island, she tries to figure out which one of them turned into a goat and rawed her mom or whatever the plotline of Mamma Mia! is. Also there was probably hubris in there or something? I honestly don’t know, my dissertation is only about the second Percy Jackson book anyway.”

ABBA songwriter Björn Ulvaeus was surprisingly quick to acknowledge the origin of his lyrics.

“Yes, it’s true, I stole all the words,” Ulvaeus admitted. “I am but a mere human mortal who is 76 years old. I was not alive several millennia ago, nor am I a god who wore ABBA’s ridiculous stage outfits to simulate the power I once held on Mount Olympus. To suggest I was would be absurd, and I don’t know who’s asking. Get off my back.” At press time, an engineering student in d’Aulaire’s lecture was playing devil’s advocate for Pierce Brosnan’s Mamma Mia! performance.

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