BERKELEY, Calif. — At around 10am on Tuesday morning, The Free Peach was made aware of a dilapidated cardboard box labelled “Free” nestled in between a black trash bag and a parking signpost on Warring Street. Said box was not immediately apparent to passerby; in fact, our informant had not realized its presence until their walking buddy identified the object from across the street. “Yeah, I was just on my daily eight-dollar coffee excursion,” Virginia Snardon, third year sociology major, explained, “And my cheap-ass roommate spotted this stupid box from across the street next to a bunch of other trash. She wanted to cross the street and look at it, but it rained last night and I don’t need her bringing another black mold-laden trinket into our home again.”
Roommate Mae Stites had something a little different to say: “I’m pissed at Virginia, actually. Who knows what could’ve been in that box for FREE?!? What if it was cowboy boots? What if it was a tattoo gun? What if there were a bunch of little humans the size of ants and they wanted me to rule over them as their benevolent God? What if there was a new coffee maker in there? What if there was a shit ton of those mini hands that I could use in my new sexual undertakings? What if the vaccine was in there? What if there were some ancient texts that, when read, released a litany of curses and sins unto the world that irrevocably changed the course of human history as we know it? What if there was a good book in there? We just never know, of course.”
Stites has since stated that she doesn’t actually plan to make an effort to go back to look inside the box, citing the fact that she has “too much homework” to walk the two block length today. “Maybe I’ll look tomorrow when I go out to spend half of my weekly allowance on a Strada latte.”
More to follow, if anyone actually wants to go check out the box.