Posted on by: lyamashir01

How to Care About the Environment Even Though CNR Kids Are Really Fucking Annoying

The world is ending. Fires are swallowing California faster than a freshman with New Amsterdam. Hurricanes are violently pissing on the country like a drunken fraternity pledge looking for his Clark Kerr bathroom. The arctic ice sheet is melting faster than the ice in your faux-compostable-plastic cup from Strada. Naturally, you want to care.

No. You do care. 

But alas, it’s really fucking hard to care with these “environmental kids” who won’t shut up about rock climbing at Bridges Gym, Robert Reich being “Daddy,” CNR having “great advising,” and how “easy” it would be for everyone in the world to just go vegan. 

Continue Reading
Posted on by: Tyler Goldstein

After COVID Vaccine, Cal Wide Receiver Can’t Catch Anything

After Cal’s devastating loss to the Nevada Wolf Pack, it has become apparent that the COVID-19 vaccine has prevented wide receiver Wayne Johnson from catching anything. 

“I knew that getting vaccinated would prevent me from catching COVID, but I didn’t know the effects of the vaccine would be so weird,” reported Wayne as he dropped a frisbee. “After I got vaccinated my work schedule started having back to back shifts. I can’t catch a break. I’ve also been blanking on what people say after ‘Go’ at Berkeley. I think it starts with a B but my catchphrase knowledge is out the window.”

Continue Reading
Posted on by: anniebushh

Woman Who Shit Herself in Public: “At Least I’m Not Being Forced to Hand Out Flyers For My Marketing Club”

Bowman later issued a statement claiming that public defecation was “Like a 4 on the scale of humiliation. After a week of verbally assaulting students on Sproul to inquire about their (obvious lack of) interest in sustainable business, I don’t think I have a sense of self anymore. My humanity kind of feels stripped to an abstract concept after trying to convince three thousand underclassmen that my club is worth taking an Airpod out for.”

Continue Reading
Posted on by: Bernard Chan

JPMorgan Exec Replaced by Pre-Haas Freshman in Berkeley Consulting

JPMorgan Vice President of Business Operation and Strategy Chuck Price announced plans to step down this past weekend, following the recent trend of older JPMorgan execs resigning to make way for newer, out-of-the-box thinkers. 

“I know this might come as a shock,” reported Price, “but I have an excellent replacement lined up: Cal pre-Haas freshman Doug Doolittle. Despite stiff requirements and stiffer competition, Mr. Doolittle has managed to land a coveted spot in one of UC Berkeley’s most prestigious consulting clubs, Berkeley Consulting. I know the critics will spear me for giving my job to a freshman while I retire to the Cayman Islands, but moving from Berkeley Consulting to JPMorgan was simply the next logical step for this young man.” 

Continue Reading