BERKELEY, Calif.— In a random stuffy classroom somewhere within Dwinelle, students in a RHETOR R1B section were restating identities for the class’s new project segment; sophomore Brock Coley (him) eagerly flexed his mastery of grammar.
“Major, pronoun series, what is this, kindergarten?” said sophomore Brock Coley, extending his lengthy arms out to flex in the back of the R1B section. “I’m him, pre-Haas, and for any of you guys wondering – yes, this physique is natural, my p-bros and I like to follow up our dye sessions slamming down Chicken Vindaloo and Forbidden Rice in Clark Kerr.”
Following his announcement, Coley – who had mentioned his status of ‘Pledge Class President’ during discussion at least 50 times by this point – swiftly reached over to his left, almost spilling his Fairlife Protein Shake in the process, and dapped up the singular African-American student to the dismay of underpaid lecturer Seamus Reeves (he/him).
“Now that the peanut gallery is finished, let’s talk Project 2,” sneered Reeves, introducing the assignment to the class. “Your assessment will be in the format of an essay, please refrain from asking me any further questions, the details will be sent out in a bCourses announcement approximately 24 hours after the due date.”
In another unsolicited outburst, Coley jumped to pause a Laker game highlight reel playing on his laptop and swatted his fraternity brother, freshman Jake Roberts (he/him), on the head.
“Quick question,” said Roberts, darting his gaze away from his own grimey laptop screen, on which he was simultaneously running Linkedin and lichess.org. “Are we required to write a thesis for the essay? We lowkey have a deliverable for our consulting club this week so this essay shit’s gotta take the backseat, they’ve been dogging us nonstop about recruiting more minorities, whatever that means.”
With Reeves in speechless disbelief, the silence was finally interrupted when sophomore Audrey Bushworth (they/them) chimed in.
“You would think someone taking a rhetoric course could properly utilize a pronoun,” stated Bushworth. “Who do you think you even are, and also how in the hell did you manage to possibly offend every minority group in this room?”
Bushworth and their classmates have since been trying to piece together the experience of that section, with many struggling to understand how men who sport flip flops in Dwinelle at eight in the morning could have such a profound impact on innocent lives. Coley and Roberts were last seen manspreading in their desks before they proceeded to hand in a brother’s essay from 2016.
why make fun of him for asking the prof if the essay needs a thesis? that question is valid and he needs to prioritize gains and brotherhood