BERKELEY, Calif. — UC Berkeley Chancellor Carol Christ shocked the student body this morning with her latest appearance on Sproul Plaza, during which it was clear that her iconic blue pantsuit had shrunk due to a laundry mishap.
“Her jacket was like, at least two sizes too small. Honestly it was uncomfortable to watch. Her movements were all stiff, like she couldn’t raise her arms all the way. We were planning to pour this on her today,” admitted student activist Lucas Pawsley, gesturing to a bucket labeled ‘PIG’S BLOOD 4 CAROL.’ “But it seemed like she was having a hard enough time as it is.”
Pawsley was not alone in the observation; some students were further frustrated by Chancellor Christ’s public appearance.
“I thought her pants seemed a little tight,” said self-proclaimed fashion expert Sheina Alibaba. “I figured maybe she had just gotten a BBL or something like that. This is just bad for optics! I mean, I can forgive hating minorities or embezzling tuition money, but I wish she would look chic while she’s doing it. By the way, what is up with that suit in the first place? When I tried to wear the same outfit for eight weeks in a row, my psychiatrist just doubled my Lexapro dosage.”
Judas Isaiah, a long-term personal assistant of Christ, provided further context for the blunder.
“Well, Carol’s laundry is usually done by one of her maids, but we had to divest some of the cleaning staff funds to pay for that police blockade around People’s Park,” Judas recounted. “Anyways, I had just seen one of those ‘gentle parenting’ TikToks that was all about fostering exploration and independence, and I thought maybe this would be a good opportunity for Carol. I led her down to the laundry room, and the rest is history.”
According to eyewitness accounts, Chancellor Christ has since been spotted rifling through the clothing racks at Mars Vintage on Telegraph, presumably in search of a new pantsuit.