Earlier this afternoon in Cafe 3, I was trying to pretend to enjoy my pasta with lentil bolognese. My comfort of solitude was accompanied by …
‘Prepare to be Sick of Me’: Notes App ‘Poets’ Emboldened by Taylor Swift’s New Album
BERKELEY – Calif. A recent open mic hosted by the English Undergraduates Association could be a demonstration of an upcoming epidemic sweeping college campuses across …
Opinion: There Should Be More Excuses to Drink on a Weekday
I think I speak for everyone when I say there should be more excuses to drink on a given weekday. Cultural drinking is quite honestly …
Student’s Stomach Releases Hottest New House Album During Lecture
BERKELEY, Calif. — Restless students fantasizing about their Taco Tuesday plans in Wheeler 150 attempted to pay attention to their ECON 1 professor throughout the …
Failure of Our Education System: Celtic Studies Class Doesn’t Cover Larry Bird
BERKELEY, Calif.– In a new suit brought forth by the Department of Education against UC Berkeley, reformers allege that current Celtic Studies courses follow an …
In Prose: Cal Day Weather Report Confirms God Went To Stanford
‘Twas the night before Cal Day ‘Twas the night before Cal Day, And all through school, Not a student was partying— Not even a …
Devastating: Guy Inside Fursuit Actually Really Hot
BERKELEY, Calif. — Early this week, RSO ‘Furries at Berkeley’ grabbed the attention of students and faculty alike as a member removed his fursuit’s headpiece …
Finally, a Leader Berkeley Can Count On: This White Man
BERKELEY, Calif. — Wednesday, after Hell froze over, campus administration announced that they have finally selected a successor to take over Carol Christ’s iron throne …
The Official Free Peach Guide to Tax Filing
As we approach the IRS tax deadline, many Berkeley students find themselves first-time filers overwhelmed by confusing tax laws. To combat the deluge of misinformation …
Psychology Breakthrough: Pavlov’s Dog Actually Just Hungry for Bells
BERKELEY, Calif. — While attending his eight-hour mandatory lab this past Friday, fourth-year psychology major Darren Barry made a discovery that has caused outrage in …