BERKELEY, Calif. – On the afternoon of September 23rd, 2024, members of the UC Berkeley community were shocked to discover that U.S News had downgraded them from being the best public school in the country to a measly, disgusting #2. However, sources close to the publication uncovered that this downgrade was due solely to specifically you being so terrible at academics, extracurriculars, and general vibes.
“While the vast majority of the student and faculty and Berkeley are doing their best and very distinguished, you were so awful at all of that stuff that you single handedly brought the average down below UCLA,” explained U.S News statistician Yur Baad. “Every time you skipped an 8:00 AM lecture because you were too hungover from Taco Tuesday, turned in assignments consistently late, and disappointed your parents by not calling them for over 2 weeks but maxing out their credit card, we noticed and marked that against your university.”
While the Office of Communications began to panic over the university’s new reputation among prospective students with building-donor parents, you were cornered in the recesses of Dwinelle to frantically explain yourself.
“I just think that this is common stuff people do in college,” you mistakenly believed. “Sure, I always have imposter syndrome and feel like I’m far less successful than my peers but I have time to figure that out, right? I go to at least half of my lectures, I have like three friends— and sure, we’ve never had that picnic on the Glade like we said we were going to, because they’re busy with their ten internships while I get 8 hours of sleep every night, but I just say that’s because I have a healthy work-life balance. I’m sure there are a lot of other students like me, who don’t intern at Citadel after Freshman year and are only taking 15 units.”
Following the U.S News announcement, every “social impact” consulting club and business frat on campus devolved into violent chaotic rioting due to their fear over the perceived downgrade in prestige.