BERKELEY, Calif. – Thanks to a new partnership with Fort Knox, Tap Haus is enhancing their security to guard their prestigious 3.8-star Yelp rating. While they haven’t been cutting any corners for security reform, they have been cutting IDs.
“I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday, but those geriatrics working door remember my Oregon ID from a month ago?! And no, don’t tell me to go to Raleigh’s, nobody even goes there,” yapped junior Blossom Sheraton, whose confidence was crushed after her fourth attempt to enter Tap Haus on a Thursday night failed miserably. “As a psychology major with a thorough understanding of denial, I have tried every single trick in the book: a 2002 necklace, a silk press, and even ‘borrowing’ an ID from someone of my ethnicity who barely resembles me.’”
“It’s like they have my face on a criminal watchlist or something,” barked Blossom, recovering in a Jaguar’s Karaoke booth, still shaken up from getting physically dragged out of Tap Haus. “I just Jaeger-bombed my midterm and wanted to celebrate with an AMF, why are they trying to kill my freak?”
Infamous Tap Haus bouncer Cyrus (no last name) explained more about the establishment’s new level of scrutiny weeding out more minors than CHEM 3A.
“Look, everyone knows we have a highly selective entrance policy favoring Kappas and D1 football players with a LaBa burrito named after them,” explained Cyrus while carefully examining stacks of IDs from exotic-sounding places like Atlantis and Ohio. “But we’ve raised the stakes now, utilizing covert FBI-owned facial recognition software. However, we all know these are insignificant compared to the ultimate safeguard, judging people who know we ‘just have it out for them.’”
Tap Haus Owner Daniel explained more about the goal of his business.
“Tap Haus isn’t just a bar–it’s an institution with standards (and AMFs) higher than your GPA after a curve and a clobber policy. So next time you grab an ID, a friend, and a FLoko, just remember: Tap Haus will send you packing quicker than your sneaky link the morning after. It’s Berkeley’s ultimate test of perseverance, luck, and an unshakable sense of denial–good luck beating the curve!”
Tap Haus management refused to comment on this peculiar debacle, presumably too busy attending Kingfish Thursdays to do so.