On Sunday, February 9th, the world will sit back and watch the culmination of a battle that’s been brewing since the summer of 2024: Kendrick Lamar vs Drake. Opening and closing for the concert will be the two NFL teams tied for the most obnoxious fan bases: the Chiefs and the Eagles.
“I honestly had no idea Kendrick had those kinds of connections,” said Marcus Barcus, an avid listener of GNX and good kid, m.A.A.d city. “I guess he’s pretty close to Taylor, so maybe they had to pull some strings together to get her boyfriend’s team to show up. I heard they haven’t played the past two weeks so they must be looking for stuff to do.”
“Presumably, the Eagles showed up because of the absolute lack of good musical talent anywhere near the city of Philadelphia,” remarked Philadelphia city scholar Arnold Waters. “Any chance to hear something other than the rabid screaming of their fans as they burn down the town would likely be a welcome sound to the players.”
Drake fans claim they are totally not in despair over the event.
“It’s NOT a huge deal. I didn’t even know it was happening, nobody’s talking about it,” lied white student Shawn Bee, who self-identifies as a member of Team Drizzy. “I don’t even understand why people are saying Kendrick won. When Drake was making absolutely fire diss tracks, Kendrick was making, like, average songs. I mean, what’s the worst that some 5’4” dude could say to the richest, most handsomest, king of the rap game?”
When asked for his comment about Drake’s relationships with underage girls, he declined to answer.
At press time, football fans and music listeners alike will watch their concert and game, as it periodically interrupts three straight hours of multi-million dollar TV ads.