VATICAN CITY – After the passing of the first non-European pope, Pope Francis, the Vatican has begun the search for his replacement. As a satirical news publication in godless Berkeley, California, we decided that we were the best authority to list our top picks for the new leader of the church.
- JD Vance
- To the victor, the spoils.
- The Dalai Lama
- At some point you have to pivot, and with churchgoers dwindling and Catholic influence at an all time low, it’s time to see what a merger could do for the two franchises.
- Greta Thunberg
- Just feel like she hasn’t gotten enough of a spotlight in the last two years, really needs this position to turn her career around.
- Carol Christ
- Bringing it back to the family business, a simple pick really: Old, unemployed, a clear direct descendant of God, and a knack for saying a lot but really saying nothing at all in the face of social progress.
- Katy Perry
- The Catholic Church needs female influence, and Katy Perry is one of the women of all time. She is reportedly interested in “the Catholicism of it all.”
- Waiting 3 days to make sure
- I’m not saying Pope Francis will come back, but as we all know, it’s happened before.
- ChatGPT
- ChatGPT writes my essays. ChatGPT does my math homework. ChatGPT edits all my texts, emails, and messages. ChatGPT is my therapist. There is no God anymore, only ChatGPT.
- That manager who runs mcdonalds like she runs the Navy
- Only she can handle the responsibility of running the Catholic Church.
- Hilary Clinton
- One more chance. I’m with Her.
- Guy who is totally not a puppet for the Italian mafia
- He will commit brutal, violent crimes right after church and then eat some slices of prosciutto while breathing heavily.
- Trisha Paytas’ next child
- Likely contains the same soul as the presumed dead pope. We believe everyone deserves a second chance!
- Stanley Tucci
- Yeah, I saw the movie.