BERKELEY, Calif. – After a hard day of scrolling Instagram reels, learning multiplication tables, and saying “synergy,” Haas students astounded the rest of the Berkeley student body by continuing to not exert literally any brain power at all while at Chou Hall’s Cafe Think.
“People don’t understand that there’s a reason why Haas is so exclusive. Not everyone can handle the intensity of it all,” explained junior business majorMark Etting while using ChatGPT to summarize his emails, “That’s why it’s called Cafe Think, because we’re coming up with the next Googles, Apples, and Berkhair Shireways here. The weight of the world is on our shoulders—that’s why I’m always benching instead of going to class. Think about it, is there any other major that is trusted to take a class called ‘leading people?’ I think not.”
While Haas students were hard at work decreasing Berkeley’s average IQ, non-business majors discussed their disgust at the scene at Cafe Think.
“I study for 60 hours a week just to get passing grades,” explained stress balding CS major Ihn Payne. “After spending 72 hours straight in the bowels of Main Stacks, I decided to go to Haas to get some food and see sunlight for the first time in a week. I was shocked by what I saw in Cafe Think. Half of the people there were just adding random events in their Google calendar to look professional and the other half was debating whether pickleball or sailing was the better networking sport. I think if I made these people debug my problem set code, they’d spontaneously combust. Although, to be fair, I can’t debug it either, and Stack Overflow is not helping.”
Despite these complaints, Haas professor and guy who loves polo shirts, John Frod, supported his student’s activities at Cafe Think.
“In this crazy, woke, cancel culture world, I think it’s important to have places like this where we can ignore all that junk and focus on real problems like practicing case studies; making finance podcast Instagram reels; and falling for multi-level marketing scams. These are the thought leaders of the next generation. That’s why they need to conserve their thinking by not doing it here, at Cafe Think. Maybe even for a few years after graduation, and also maybe later than that. By the time they’re 85, they will maybe, probably start thinking.”
At press time, several customers at Cafe Think were working on a pitch deck for an AI-powered crypto startup that aims to solve the problem of constantly being on academic probation.