BERKELEY, Calif. – After searching his email, letters, and Instagram messages constantly for the past month, Donald Trump realized no invitation was coming to welcome him to a grand Eid al-Fitr, even though he has been eagerly touching the lives of thousands across Muslim nations this week.
“Khomeini is dead, Celebrate!”, Trump said last week on the popular Muslim dating website, Truth Social. It was unclear how positively the Muslim community received this message. According to aides, he has also shifted responsibility for his missing invitation onto the Department of Homeland Security as quoted, “Maybe ICE forgot to wish Somaliland Ramadan Mubarak from Me Personally”. This frustration with the DHS is assumed to be behind the departure of Generalissimo Barbie Kristi Noem.
Generally feeling bored at his desk while close friend “Bibi” commands the War Room this month, Trump has been looking forward to sweets like xalwo and dates for Eid-al-Fitr. While giving orders to bulldoze demonstrators and carpetbomb Tehran, Trump could also be seen online shopping for a dirac.
“I told him he’d never be invited,” said U.S. House Representative Ilhan Omar, “I had to set a firm boundary after he begged me to let him bring the sambusa.” She whispered to our reporters afterwards informing us of an open-invite celebration happening at Dar-al Hijrah Cultural Center in Minneapolis, set to be held on Friday, March 20th.
According to Trump aides, his desire to attend Eid celebrations this year stem from his commitment to peace in the Middle East.
“I have the best intentions in mind for the world’s Muslims,” the President could be overheard saying to anyone who would listen.
At the time of publishing, it is still unclear what exactly President Trump will do to celebrate the holiday without an invitation, but he has several high-powered missiles he is eager to send to friends.