YOUR APARTMENT, Halloween – It was the night of Halloween, and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even– what the hell …
“Actually, I Took a Gap Year,” and More Shit to Say if You’re Insufferable
Are you a socially awkward former “AP Scholar” who wants everyone to know how annoying you are? Worry not: here are a few things to …
Sorry! This Article is Under Construction, Please Go Around
BERKELEY, Calif. — Amidst the pandemonium of the final days of class and flocks of visiting families, local adminsiKt5984Fsadk$&3lxjwh[THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. THIS …
In Prose: Cal Day Weather Report Confirms God Went To Stanford
‘Twas the night before Cal Day ‘Twas the night before Cal Day, And all through school, Not a student was partying— Not even a …
Guy Who Knows a Spot Takes You to Berkeley Social Club
BERKELEY, Calif. – After proclaiming his knowledge of secret and underrated date spots on campus, Cal junior Chad Chad decided to impress his new romantic …
Fiona Apple and 3 Other Musicians Doctors HATE
As flu season approaches and temperatures decline, we are no longer ‘cool for the summer’ as the kids say, and become more lukewarm for the …
How to Tell Your Straight Friends That You Don’t Wanna See That Shit
I want to preface this article by saying that I’m not heterophobic by any means. I watched Outer Banks. I voted for Biden. I can’t …
Friend Keeps Saying ‘Facts’ Though I Doubt His Statement Was Peer-Reviewed
Recently, my friend Aidan has punctuated every statement with “facts.” That’s fine, it’s a perfectly good ad-lib, but I have serious doubts his assertions have …
Great Minds Think Alike? Professor Uses Restroom After Me
Reserve me a Nobel spot, book me a speaking tour, and stick me in the corner office; there’s irrefutable evidence that I’m a genius on …