In a shocking revelation this past week, junior Economics major Alan Shyster realized that his friend actually enjoys what he studies.

“I thought that people just studied what their parents wanted them to study or what would set them up to make the most money. But Eric, he just studies Astronomy because he likes it! Sure it’s always more fun when we get super high and talk about the infinity of space or what it would be like to jump on a trampoline in orbit, but what else can that degree do for you? Studying planets won’t get him anywhere, they are dropping like flies.” Shysteadamantlyly told us. “First Pluto is gone, what next, Earth? I think he needs to get into a growing industry, not one that is limited to eight planets and far outdated by 13.8 billion years.”

When questioned about the subject, Eric had this to say: “Yeah I don’t know what Alan’s problem is. I’ve known him for 3 years now and I think he just kinda assumed that I was an Economics major. I’m pretty sure Alan just picked that major because it has to do with money. I have been telling him about all the research I’ve been doing on the Mars Exploration Rover, my internships with NASA and SpaceX, and even my application to become an early settler on Jupiter. Everytime I talk to him about it he’ll just say something dumb like, ‘haha whoa yeah that’s nuts, I wonder if aliens ever think about what it would be like to ski down a mountain on french baguettes.’”

Although Alan plans to join the exciting consulting industry and become a debt auditor, he still believes his career path will be far more rewarding.

“It’s going to be awesome I get free lunch on Thursdays and most of the time I get to work on-site in locations like Bakersfield and Topeka! The one in Kansas! When I was in second grade, my teacher asked us all to write down what we wanted to be when we got older. Everyone else wrote down blue-collar work like firefighter, astronaut, pro surfer, whatever. I wrote down, ‘debt auditor’ and haven’t looked back since. My teacher said I needed to dream bigger, and I said she was poor and single! Those other students have no idea what they are missing. I make like 10k more than they do AND I get to wear a suit everyday. Plus, I get to use Excel. Point 1 to Alan. Bazinga! That’s my catchphrase.”

Eric was only the tip of the iceberg for Alan. Later that day he found out that his friend Alice studies Computer Science because she enjoys complex problem solving, Natalie studies Architecture because she thinks designing buildings is cool, and Jacob studies Chemistry because he wants to run a small-scale vape juice manufacturing process in his basement. If that isn’t the American Dream, we don’t know what is?

At press time Alan could be seen practicing his acceptance speech for, “Regional Debt Auditor of the Quarter” award in 2034 as well as turning $300 into $365 on his Robinhood app. Way to go Alan, you did it.

Debt Auditors, the heroes we need, not the ones we want.

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