Anytown, U.S.A. — Registered voter Carla Wright recently cited rising gasoline prices as her rationale for voting for a candidate who will literally kill her in the not-so-distant future.
“I just can’t deal with having to pay $5.00 a gallon,” Wright explained after casting a vote for a Republican candidate who will not only not lower her gas prices, but will also strip her of Medicare benefits, Social Security, reproductive rights, freedom of expression, and other fundamental human liberties before executing her via firing squad for crimes against God and the state in 2032. “This recent wave of inflation has been really bad, and the Democrats aren’t doing a good job of trying to curb it. So I think it’s time to switch things up [to fascism].”
The candidate, George Chester Haldwell III, has made his political positions abundantly clear to the public. In the middle of a recent transphobic, homophobic, racist, sexist, and theocratic rant, he declared: “I’m Pro-God, Pro-America, and Pro-Family, which is precisely why I will be persecuting all American families who refuse to worship my particular interpretation of God. For far too long, we radical Christian extremists have endured the unbearable tyranny of having to let other people exist, but under my leadership, we will finally be free to enact our violent impulses. For starters, I will be smiting all people whose last names begin with the letter ‘W’ because I believe that this is what God wants.”
Wright, whose last name begins with ‘W,’ does not seem overly concerned about Haldwell’s comments.
“Oh, he was probably just exaggerating,” Wright concluded after being informed of the contents of Haldwell’s speech. “In any case, the ‘W’ in my last name is silent, so it’s not like he’s talking about me. He’s talking about the bad people whose last names begin with ‘W.’”
In response to the rising support for Republicans in the polls, Democrats are considering new messaging tactics.
“Clearly, the problem is that we have gone too far left,” declared Democratic strategist Cames Jarville. “The average American doesn’t want extreme socialist things like ‘free healthcare,’ ‘debt relief,’ ‘abortion rights’ or ‘a living wage.’ No, what they want are smart, sensible tax cuts for the rich.”
At press time, Democrats were promising to execute half of the people whose last names start with ‘W’ in an attempt to reach out to centrists.