BERKELEY, Calif. — Berkeley sophomore and distinguished lesbian Gloria Bilitis was seen crying earlier today at the Berkeley Ironworks Climbing Gym after having a literal falling-out with her girlfriend, Kiki Garland after their tactical carabiner snapped, heterosexual onlookers report.
“It’s so crazy to think it all ended because of that carabiner—they were supposed to be, like, the next Sontag and Leibovitz,” commented enthused Media Studies major Dustin Gorp. “Or maybe like Ellen DeGenres and Mrs. Ellen Degeneres. Yea, I think those are the only examples.”
Straight friends of Bilitis who are definitely “in the know” first raised concerns after seeing her Spotify recently-played status go from “Michelle” by Sir Chloe to “I Bet On Losing Dogs” by Mitski back-to-back. While grateful for her friends’ worry, Bilitis explained that they tend to simplify her romances.
“Sure, the carabiner was the last straw… or the last hold… but Kiki literally cheated on me. Yes she told me while we were doing an Ironworks couple-climb, and yes the carabiner mysteriously snapped immediately, but there’s more to it,” Bilitis said.
Her friends, however – self-proclaimed “expert allies” – are committed to offering sensitive, specialized support.
“I hate seeing Gloria get this way—she’s lost all interest in the things that I imagine a lesbian like her loves to do, like rock-climbing, wearing extravagant outfits, having IBS, cabinet building, giving each other haircuts, and having rough queer sex!” attests Cara Pehtmanscher, a close friend of Bilitis, whose daily screen-time on TikTok is reportedly pushing the four hour mark. “It’s so sad to see! Her strap on is just sitting there, collecting dust!”
According to Pehtmanscher, Bilitis arranged to rid her place of all of Garland’s belongings with the very same U-Haul they rented when moving in together after their first date. Her friends claimed to see her removing mass amounts of frog and mushroom-themed decor, what Pehtmanscher believes to be called “Cottagecore, or something with nymphs or fairies like that.”
“Firstly, we rented that UHaul to move in together after the second date, not the first. And do you know how hard it is to date?” Bilitis lamented. “Every time I think I find a soft butch, she turns out to be a man thinking that I was a handsome twink!”
When contacted for comment on their relationship’s dramatic descent, all the newly single Garland had to say was, “Bye mamas.”