GENERIC RESORT TOWN – Immediately following his flight landing in Miami with his “boys,” Delta Iota Kappa (DIK) brother and chlamydia vector Chad Broson posted on his inspirational sigma male finance Instagram account to never forget that “rules are made to be broken.” However, Broson did not specify that the post was inspired by his rationale to cheat on his long-term girlfriend of four years.
“People are always trying to hold me back but I know that real innovators like me don’t abide by the rules of beta males,” explained Broson while redownloading Tinder. “Like bro, look at Elon Musk or Warren Buffet. Did they follow the rules? No! They knew they had to change the world by committing actual crimes – and that’s something we should all follow. That’s why powerful men like us need multiple women, because we’re above all that,” he continued before getting a notification he had been banned from Tinder for “being the literal worst.”
“Bro, Chad’s a total game changer,” added Broson’s best friend and frat brother Ree Pressed. “Like, he’s been listening to all these intellectual podcasts that helped him realize that men are above women so it’s okay for us to cheat but not for them. And now he’s teaching these lessons to me cuz we go way back. Like, we’re always hanging out with each other in the frat, late at night. And we can just talk for hours in a way we can’t with anyone else, especially women because we fundamentally don’t view them as equals. It’s crazy how some people think your girlfriend is supposed to be your best friend because real alphas don’t form strong emotional bonds with women. We save that for the boys. Imagine being vulnerable and close with your girlfriend instead of viewing them as an inanimate trophy you won. That would be hella embarrassing.”
Broson’s longtime girlfriend Jenny Nicelle had some thoughts to share on the matter:
“Chad and I have been together since high school, which is so long that even though I know he’s a toxic, cheating piece of shit, I can’t perceive myself without being connected to him, making the thought of being alone truly terrifying. But it’ll all be worth it when I post a picture of us on Instagram with the caption, ‘5 years with this crazy guy.’”
At press time, Nicelle was reported writing a Reddit post entitled “Am I the Asshole for Wanting My Boyfriend to Wipe His Ass After He Poops Even Though He Thinks It’s ‘Beta Male Energy.’”