BERKELEY, Calif. – After the massive success of UC Berkeley’s ‘Zero Waste by 2020’ campaign, the university’s administration has announced that it will be pulling a Marty McFly and going back in time with an ambitious goal: zero waste by 1970.
“We are determined to create a new enterprise for zero waste here at Cal,” explained initiative leader Vert U. Siggnull, doing her best to hide the piles of landfill waste her colleagues were hastily shoving into a compost bin. “As you can see, we have completely eliminated waste by 2020, not only at the university, but in the cities of Berkeley, Oakland, and Wichita, Kansas. We realized over the course of the project, though, that the deadline of 2020 was simply not ambitious enough. This means we’re ready to go back to the 70s, to eliminate all the waste and successfully execute another series of cover-ups. Our motto explains the great work we’ve done so far— ‘if it can fit in a compost bin, it’s compostable!’ And because the experts at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory receive several million dollars a year, surely they’ve got a time machine waiting for us to use. Wait, what do you mean, 2 million of it is spent on ‘miscellaneous furniture?’”
With the miraculous abolishment of waste four years ago, many are left wondering exactly how the university had accomplished this amazing feat.
“It’s 2024 now, guys, there’s nothing to worry about!” exclaimed student representative and self-proclaimed ‘environmentally minded business major’ Kermit Change, spray painting over an old ‘Zero Waste by 2020’ sign on his way to class. “I just think that over the course of time, our campus culture has shifted. This culminated at exactly midnight on January 1st, 2020– everyone just stopped throwing shit away. I don’t know how the university did it, but throughout the entire Bay Area, consumers got an electric car for the new year, used metal straws exclusively, and somehow saved the turtles. And the corporations didn’t even have to lift a finger, which absolved them of all responsibility. There was a global pandemic, too— it was super good for the environment! Didn’t you see those clean rivers in Italy? I consider this a job well done. Taking it to the 70s is just a step further.”
At press time, UC Berkeley is contemplating ‘Zero Waste by 1901,’ as its coalition of students stuck in 1970 are attempting to burn 30 metric tons of trash.