BERKELEY, Calif.– After a long, hot summer away from the crowds on Sproul Plaza, most club executives dread the first weeks of the semester as they begin the tedious, mortifying task of tabling. However, that was not the case for club ‘president’ and Berkeley Social Club regular Rea Jeckshun this past week– who gets uncontrollably horny from the incredibly demeaning and embarrassing act of Sproul tabling.
“It’s not every day you get to be utterly disregarded by a mass of people who couldn’t care less about you,” said Jeckshun breathlessly, one hand suspiciously down his pants while the other held out flyers about the ‘Garlic Bread and Political Science Club’ to no one. “I just love it when they avoid eye contact, or pretend to be super interested in their phone’s lockscreen. That slight cringe when they see me? Pure bliss, man. But what really gets me hor– um, excited, is when they reach out a hand, like, swatting me away. It just fills me with pleasure when I’m treated like nothing more than an annoying obstacle on the way to class. But sometimes, these annoying people will completely kill the mood for me– by taking the paper, saying ‘thank you,’ or worst of all, expressing actual interest in my club. Thankfully, this rarely happens, so I can get my gratification every day, just by standing here and reaching my arm out pathetically to the masses!”
At press time, Jeckshun was seen packing up his table with a look of pure satisfaction and a suspicious spot on the front of his shorts, after receiving a record-breaking 73 brush-offs in under two hours.