National Boyfriend Day has a bad habit of just sneaking up on you. Today, without warning, my only safe space, Instagram dot com, was invaded by a barrage of happy couples — some guys who all looked vaguely like that rat from Flushed Away (2006), posted by their drop-dead gorgeous girlfriends who could do so much better. I can appreciate the art of the humble brag as much as anyone else, but I’m tired of seeing people happy and in love with someone who probably hasn’t showered in three days. Just be quiet about it like how you are every other day, so that I can be really loud about how single and lonely I am.
Also, let’s be real – you guys matched on Hinge six weeks ago and your newly-minted, middle-parted, seasalt-sprayed, rodent-faced boyfriend won’t let you see the inside of his apartment because “it isn’t clean enough yet.” Have you ever even met one of his friends? And most importantly– did he repost your story about National Boyfriend Day, or did he say that his Instagram was acting up because of Eduroam?
The more I think about it, the more sinister this holiday feels. Why are we entertaining this behavior in October? You don’t think your relationship will last the four months from now until Valentine’s Day? Is that it? Sad. I mean, it’s not like I’ve ever been in a relationship for longer than two months, but every clout-chaser knows that the best time to enter a relationship is mid-January in order to avoid this exact situation.
Another thing: What is up with your boyfriends’ haircuts this year? When did they start getting perms and bleach-blonde highlights? What happened to the simple days of ugly ass bowl cuts and pin straight side parts? #BringBackRealMen.
As you can see, I’ve spent the day collecting data on these League-addicted Chaewon fans and reached this conclusion: I hate every single one of your boyfriends, I hate you for dating them, and I hate myself most of all.
Side note: I just googled it, and National Girlfriend Day was on AUGUST 1ST! Where was this energy then? I rest my case.