BERKELEY, Calif. – In an absolutely shocking but also entirely predictable turn of events, new social impact consulting club Renewal Strategies has announced a 5-year exclusive partnership with weapons producer and all-around human decimator Lockheed Martin, sources close to the community service and weapons industry (of which there are a lot) report.
“When we look at a project, we think to ourselves: ‘What would impact people the most?’ and when human lives depend on your research, we really think we’ve reached our ideal project,” explained project manager Ivan Kaloo, while watching the results of his work annihilate small villages on Instagram Reels. “We really felt like protecting America was important to a strong social impact culture, and what better way to do that than bombing a small group of warring nations 7,500 miles away from our closest shore?”
While consultants were initially hesitant to join the project, they quickly found ways to get excited about the club’s future.
“When I applied to Renewal, I spoke a lot about the bullshit nonprofit I made in high school that claimed to help underprivileged kids, and how I wanted to expand on that experience,” revealed freshman consultant Diana Flora, while counting her $4,000 project stipend and decking a slide of a village with a giant red “X” on it, “At Lockheed Martin, I can continue my passion for working with underprivileged kids by designing missiles that target them specifically, finally making the defense industry means and age tested”
Some might suggest that Lockheed Martin doesn’t need cheap consultants to do their labor for them, but Chief Financial Officer David White saw an opportunity with the project.
“To put it simply, we have no money anymore,” White explained, cruising down Telegraph in his Mclaren P1. “Our budget this year was a measly $2,000,000,000, and when you need to pay engineers contract incentives for their drone’s K/D ratio, salaries get really expensive really quickly. When Renewal offered to build us missiles for a measly $80,000 donation, which will go to great causes like cocaine for their annual yacht parties, we snapped up their offer.”
Concerns were raised about the quality of student-produced missiles, but local experts have been impressed.
“I have to say, when I first saw the missiles, I thought to myself: ‘I can’t believe the US military industrial complex is once again ruining the lives of innocent civilians in my hometown for the sake of soft power’ but when I learned it was students who made the missiles, I was impressed with the missiles’ effectiveness given the students’ clearly limited skills” Explained Zara Gene, a victim of a Lockheed-sponsored attack. “Sure, did the missiles actually explode? No, but they seemed like they had a really good marketing plan in place for them, and the design really looked like a freshman had spent 12 hours workshopping it the night before the deliverable.”
With Lockheed Martin off the table, clubs have had to pivot, with Venture quickly securing Blackrock, Net Impact taking Raytheon, and 180 Degrees Consulting snatching up Aramco with the goal of having a travel project.