I don’t know about y’all, but being home for the holidays isn’t exactly a piece of cake. From the corny expectations to be grateful to the grating sound of relatives coming together and laughing it up in the kitchen. I used to question every season how I was able to get through it without crawling into the oven right next to the turkey! But trust me, as someone who grew up with a loving family that was dedicated to each other and grateful for every moment spent together, I know how hard it is to be labeled the bad guy for being repulsed by them.
Does your family get upset by your tendency to expect gifts and praise with nothing in return? Do they request the emotional labor of a thank you without venoming you? Have they peer-pressured you into doing a dish? Well I’ve got news for you, you are in an abusive relationship with your family. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, but as part of the group of people who can never be wrong, I see you, and I am here for you. This holiday season,, I have reached out to those in need and granted them the privilege of asking me for empowering advice.
Q:“Every holiday my attention-hog grandma makes a scene when she needs to be helped out of her wheelchair to sit at the head of the table. How can I remind her who the most important family member is?’
A: Ah, the classic grandma manipulation tactic – your family is full of suckers if they’re falling for her crap! I say one up her by showing up in your own pair of wheels and a neck brace as the cherry on top.
Q: “My cousin is bringing her new and really cute kitten to Thanksgiving this year, how can I make sure they talk about my cuteness instead?”
A: Sounds like it’s time to make a new cute pair of kitten fur slippers!
Q:“I’m a mom of three, and every year I feel like my kids don’t appreciate all the work I put into our thanksgiving dinner. How can I make them appreciate my efforts?”
A: I think it’s time to check in with your children and ask them where they think they’re spending the holidays because it’s not gonna be with you! Dip into their college funds and treat yourself to some new gucci and go gambling.
Q: “My aunt asked me for the third year in a row why I haven’t visited her over the past year, how do I navigate her awkward questions?”
A: Naturally, she wants to be around you because you are cool and awesome. But, for her to infringe on your peace by asking a question? She’s clearly toxic. Slash her tires.