LOS ANGELES – Following Spotify releasing users’ annual Spotify Wrappeds today, music experts from Pitchfork, Rolling Stone, and the deepest sweatiest corners of 4chan have gathered to explain what your most listened to artist of the year says about you. Note: this list only applies to Spotify users because if you use Apple music, we cannot legally consider you a person.
- Taylor Swift: You love supporting women unless one gets more streams than Taylor, then you get violent. Your favorite cereal is Cheerios but sometimes you think it’s too spicy.
- Drake: You are 12 years old.
- Chappell Roan: You’ve exhausted all other profiles on Hinge. You only discovered you were a lesbian in 2024 because of Reneé Rapp and won’t shut up about it. You’re horny and ready to fuck, but nobody can handle you—probably for the best.
- JPEGMAFIA: Rumor has it Old Spice makes this stuff called “deodorant” that can stave off your atrocious BO. Please consider buying some.
- Pitbull: How’d you even manage to pull this off? Tell 2014 I say “hi.” To be honest, you should probably stay there; 2025 isn’t looking too hot at the moment.
- Lana Del Rey: You have an unkempt mullet, dress like you’re from Silverlake, and are desperately trying to impress an alt girl with micro bangs. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be working.
- Piss’osceles Triangle: You found this ambient industrial artist with 230 monthly listeners and decided to force yourself to listen to it because you want to seem unique despite not actually being a very interesting person.
- Frank Ocean: You’ve been convincing yourself every day since 2016 that he will release a new album soon. You need intense therapy to get over these delusions.
- Queen: You think every song released this millennium is “mumble rap garbage” and that you were born in the wrong generation.