BERKELEY, Calif.— As his clock struck 5:30 PM without a single student entering, Professor Milton Keyton concluded yet another completely empty office hours, only to be succeeded by a completely alone Valentine’s Day evening.
Professor Keyton is just one of many professors on campus that genuinely believe that maybe one of their students will actually feign interest in the subject that they dedicated their entire lives to.
“I go out of my way to shield my other students from the front-row-seat-sitting tryhards that don’t know when to shut their damn mouths, and this is the thanks I get?” lamented Professor Keyton. “I guess I’ll just cope and distract myself by burying myself in my studies—maybe I’ll reread the book I wrote 24 years ago for the 667th time just for old times’ sake.”
Other professors whose classes didn’t even fill up enough to warrant a waitlist also shared similar sentiments.
“There’s a bus stop just a 25 minute up-hill walk away from my office, and no, it is not THAT hard to scale eight flights of stairs. A Zoom option? That’s for lazy, ‘ChatGBT’ abusers! The only ‘Zoom’ I enjoy is going a feisty 55 MPH in my Volvo!” quipped Paleontology and Fossils Professor Martin Van Short. “When I was a student 140 years ago at Cal, we didn’t even HAVE buses. We had to take the cable car. Ohohohohoho! I guess these students nowadays just don’t care about their education. Sad!”
Despite their earnest attempts, professors across campus cannot seem to engage and excite their students about a class that they’re only taking because their major requires it.
“I thought my class on Introduction to the Latin Alphabet was pretty riveting, but I guess my students seem to think otherwise,” moped Linguistics Professor Justin Huliaghoulia. “I don’t mind waiting an hour twice a week if it means students can have their questions answered, even if my soon-to-be ex-wife says it’s a complete waste of time!”
While some professors feel frustration over the lack of interaction from students, others think the problem is much more severe, with the very foundations of academia being undermined.
“It’s ridiculous. Ten years ago, my office would’ve been swarming with freshmen girls hoping for an easy A. Now, nobody has sex with their professor anymore!” chimed Professor Hugh Vaughn, unprompted. “Political correctness has destroyed one of the most pivotal cornerstones of higher education—relationships founded on unequal balances of power.”
When pressed for further comment, each and every option for office hours conflicted with other class times.