BERKELEY, Calif.– As fire and ash continue to rain from the sky for the 40th consecutive day, a distant ping rang from thousands of students’ phones, a nostalgic echo signifying the appearance of a new message in their, once beloved, undergraduate campus email. The bold headline in the inbox read, “Call for Smiles and Positivity,” and linked to a video that seemed to offer a fleeting moment of solace amidst impending doom.
Meanwhile, a fanfare of trumpets announced the ground splitting in two, ushering in Beelzebub and his army of doom, followed by never-ending floods, earthquakes, sulfur-rain, lightning, and disease ravaging the earth.
“In the middle of all pandemonium, something remarkable happened,” explained witness and newly inspired individual Erend Thymes. “As we made eye contact with Chancellor Lyons’s captivating blue eyes, the single curl of silver hair that gently fell around his heart-shaped face, and witnessed his soft lips mouthing the words “Community” and “inclusion” and “marginalized voices”… something unexpected took place. A smile broke out across all our faces– soft at first, then transforming into a grin, followed by a cheese so big the hungry rodents of downtown Berkeley came scurrying over. Who knew that our answer to society’s woes came in a 56 MB clip?”
Moments later, a rainbow appeared in the sky, driving away both the demons of the underworld and biblical terrors from heaven, like a celestial broom sweeping up shattered fragments of our reality. A soft breeze picked up, lightly waving campus flags with the words “Resilience” and “Diversity,” the only two things left standing after the apocalyptic series of events.
“This brings back memories of my undergraduate years,” says former student and apocalyptic warrior “Heartgouger” (formerly known as Fiona), wiping away tears of nostalgia. “I remember when protests at Berkeley would erupt, urging the chancellor’s office to do something about an issue.In response, the chancellor would email us a video with a vague message about free speech– it was like a little treat for us. Honestly, I think that’s why people protested in the first place– just to get those two minutes and 45 seconds to gaze at that beautiful face and pretend, for a fleeting moment, that he was really talking to each and every one of us.”
Amid the chaos, Chancellor Lyons remained silent, declining to provide our writing team comments about his plan to address the ongoing post-apocalyptic crisis. Instead, he sent our editorial team a cryptic video titled “Preserving Our University Values: Reminder of Who Controls Your Ability to Exist on Campus.”