BERKELEY, Calif.– Local white guy and self-proclaimed “citizen of the world” Zeke Bleak joyfully accepted a reluctant invitation to ISA’s Holi celebration. Following the invitation – which was secured after hounding his Indian classmate incessantly for weeks on end – Bleak became just a little too excited about the event.
“I’m just so unbelievably honored to take part in this enriching, exotic cultural experience,” detailed Bleak to anyone who would listen, while breathing heavily and foaming at the mouth. “As a white man,” he continued, adding a little “h” to the beginning of “white”, “I understand that I am not the usual demographic at events like this. But, unlike my brethren, I seek to wrap myself up in the rich tapestry of other cultures, especially brown ones. I just feel like, you know, as an outsider, I can help run their celebration more…efficiently. Guess it’s just my burden.”
Many people of Indian descent were extremely displeased to find out Bleak would be attending the event.
“He’s just such a fucking weird person,” explained the Indian classmate who was forced to invite Bleak, Arjun Roy. “I never even talked to him in class, but one day, he just started sitting next to me and giggling while he stared at me.” Roy shuddered, while filling out his restraining order against Bleak.
“It was horrifying,” recounted another Indian victim of Bleak’s excitement, Sanjana Reddy. “He kept asking me if I was going to celebrate ‘Holi, the festival of colors, love, and spring’ in those exact words each time. Like a fool, I opened a text from my friend about ISA Holi and he saw and started begging me for the link and kept shaking me until I sent it. It felt like I was handing our nation over to the British East India Trading Company, but somehow even worse.”
At the ISA Holi event, UCPD had to escort Bleak out after he repeatedly attempted to get access to the organizer’s microphone. He was carried off the stage while yelling random gibberish in mispronounced Hindi.