There I was, ready to write my next Peach article. Peak comedy, you might say. Laptop charged, iced coffee in hand, indie rock blaring. As I pull on the band of my custom-made Oski thong and go to type the first word, I’m struck by a stroke of genius. “The,” I write passionately, ready to light the world on fire.
But…what’s that buzz in my pocket? What if it’s important? Maybe it’s that person I’ve been eyefucking instead of paying attention in section. Yeah! They totally just confessed their love to me. I have to check.
Canvas. It’s a stupid canvas notification, and for something we already went over in class, no less For fuck’s sake. Might as well check instagram while I’m here, for good luck, or to totally manifest this baddie. Perhaps some etsy magic will do the trick? Who knows. But I need to just check. It’s urgent.
By the time I caught myself… It was too late. Thirty minutes had passed. My bCal? In shambles. My genius article idea? Forgotten. My stroke game? Pathetic as always. Unimportant to the story.
Yet my article sat there, unwritten. Naked, if you will. It was staring me down, as if to say, “I know what you did.”God, the horror! All I could do was gaze in disbelief. I thought back to my parents’ nagging. “Get off that darn Tik-Tak,” they said. “You’re addicted to that damn phone,” they said. Of course I didn’t listen. How could I ever ignore the allure of a shawty bae dm? Like a siren, I was lured in by their sweet song. Sigh…
Who am I kidding? I love my little iPhone 14 Pro Max. Without it… can you imagine? I would’ve had to break up with my ex IN PERSON. YUCK. ew. And without that damn phone, I never would have found that niche internet microcelebrity I love and am currently stalking! God, what would I do without them? I don’t even wanna go there. You think I should be worried? About the vast quantities of time disappearing before my eyes, as the days blur together and I lose touch with the last remaining pieces of my authentic self?
Ehhh, prob not. Besides, my personal data isn’t going to sell itself.