WASHINGTON, D.C. – The President has long been accused of “sucking,” of “horsing around” in office, but the Head of State has never allowed himself to be brought down by these baseless accusations. Our President has always remained firm in the face of Democrat criticism and prioritized what really matters: blowing the American people away with his exceptional dedication and focus.
However, with the release of hundreds of emails from notorious pedophile and New York financier Jeffery Epstein, President Trump has found himself choking at this pivotal moment. Epstein’s emails, written with all the tact of me talking shit on the phone at Trader Joes, accuse the President of having preformed oral sex on ‘Bubba,’ a mysterious figure who many suspect to be either Bill Clinton or a horse. I would like to pause and note that no, this is not a Free Peach head-line. This is a real thing.
The public is split: is it worse to have blown an unwieldy, bumbling mammal with huge teeth and no sense of judgement, or to have blown a horse? If it’s the former, no wonder the President’s feud with former presidential candidate Hillary “I didn’t send the emails” Clinton was so heated; it wasn’t just politics on the line, but the big beautiful Bill himself. No wonder President Trump is so fixated on trade.
With this mind-blowing new information having surfaced, it is undeniable that Trump sucking is no longer an opinion. As to whether he swallows, the public may never know. Amongst jokes about “Donica Blewinsky” and Clinton x Trump doomed yaoi edits, the President has declined to comment, possibly because his mouth is otherwise occupied.