At first glance, the Superbowl is the highest form of American art: it has gambling, violence, advertising, and drunk Philadelphians. What’s not to love? However, recently the Superbowl has gone WOKE. I was disgusted to learn they did the substantial and controversial action of writing “End Racism” behind their endzones. They even brought a non-American to play the halftime show! At least “Bad Bunny” (if that even is his real name) tells everyone his talent level in his name.
Instead of this woke nonsense, I will be watching the incredible commercial and critical success Melania. Melania (real film) is a 2026 American documentary film that follows Melania Trump, the first lady of the United States, in the 20 days before her husband’s (Home Alone star Donald Trump) second presidential inauguration. It is directed and produced by famed sex pest and Rush Hour 3 director Brett Ratner. Melania, though, does not feature the DEI casting of Chris Tucker or Jackie Chan.
But that’s enough thorough analysis of the movie. An avid reader might notice that while the Superbowl is three hours, Melania is a mere 104 minutes. My only complaint about the movie is that it is far too short, but I have another plan. To avoid the entirely unAmerican Superbowl, I have made the grueling effort to purchase tickets in back to back packed Melania showings lasting the entire event. It required me to buy the ticket off a scalper for $500 on Truthsocial, but well worth the trouble.My first showing starts in ten, so I’ll leave you in the wise words of my other personal hero, Nick Adams.
“‘Raise these girls right,” I whispered. “Teach them to be classy conservative women of faith like Melania, don’t let them become like Meghan Markle. Capisce?’ ”