BERKELEY, Calif – Upon the release of millions of files related to the ongoing investigation into billionaire and convicted sex-trafficker Jeffery Epstein’s estate, members of the public were quick to tally the number of times certain people and institutions were mentioned. During this inquiry, members of the UC Berkeley community were delighted to find out their university had been mentioned more times than its hated rival, UCLA.
“What a great day for the #1 Public University! This is yet another reason why our institution stands unmatched among all others. From academics to culture to the Epstein files, no one beats Berkeley,” announced Chancellor Rich Lyons. “Yes, that’s right, among all of the famous CEOs, world leaders, celebrities and other pedophiles, UC Berkeley is right at the forefront of it all! The energetic sentiment was shared by spirit-filled students such as Calvin Gold, who was interviewed outside Haas Pavillion upon hearing the good news.
“HELL YEAH, suck it, and screw Stanford, too! I’ve gotten so tired of them pretending like they’re better, and now they can’t pretend any more!” Gold exclaimed. “You know, I just love this, man. Ever since Cal left the Pac-12, our rivalries have been getting drier and drier, there’s been no passion lately! But fighting is back on the menu, and we won’t let anyone outdo us in trafficking! So bring it on, UCLA! You may have a photo of Epstein wearing your merch, but when the chips are down, we were on the island more than you were!”
The vibe down in Los Angeles was decidedly less happy. A visibly angry UCLA Chancellor Julio Frenk spoke to reporters in his office.
“Goddamn it, goddamn it all,” Frenk muttered, head in hands. “All of that money, all of those perverted parties, just to play second fiddle for the hundredth time! Epstein, what a creep, he just HAD to pretend to lecture at Cal, it should’ve been us! Mark my words, Berkeley, we’ll be back! There’s still millions of files left, and you’ll be sorry when OUR name is on the lips of every highly esteemed pedophile in America!”
UC Berkeley administrators are reportedly hard at work to defend their title. Leaked internal documents show that plans include gifting individuals like Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and Bill Clinton honorary degrees to push mentions up.