BERKELEY, Calif. — Even though UC Berkeley has announced that the upcoming fall semester will take place in person, many football fans have been concerned that this year’s games will have limited attendance. Luckily, due to the fact that Memorial Stadium is always half empty during games, no attendance limitations are being deemed necessary.
“I was really nervous for a second that we would only be able to allow half of the fans into the stadium,” reported Cal athletic commissioner Brock Chadson. “Then I remembered that our fans have always been socially distancing. I can’t remember the last time when there wasn’t a solid six rows of vacant bleachers between game attendees.”
Despite Cal’s commissioner not being concerned about pandemic precautions, some of Cal’s competition is worried.
“In 2019 when we played Cal our fans took up about a third of their stadium,” said USC athletic commissioner Magnum Durd as he accepted a bribe to let X Æ A-12 into USC in 2038. “How can we be sure we will be able to social distance with our fans’ high attendance rate?”
There is also a concern that some fans may choose to not socially distance regardless of being asked to.
“Yeah if anyone refuses to follow COVID provisions at a game we are going to order Oski to stare at them,” communicated University Health Service Director Anna Harte. “Once they feel the sense of murderous dread washing over them we think they’ll fall into line. If they still don’t, we’ll force them to take a picture with Oski. After that, the smell of shit from their pants will keep them socially distanced from everyone.”
At press time, 5,000 extra-large free Cal Football giveaway T-shirts were being made, in addition to 500 larges, 50 mediums, and 5 smalls.