The Free Peach

LOS ANGELES — At this year’s Academy Awards, Will Smith open-hand smacked Chris Rock in an attempt to defend his much-publicized marriage to actress Jada Pinkett Smith.

“Get your wife’s name out of your fucking mouth!” shouted Will Smith from the audience, while mentally adding Chris Rock to the ever-growing list of men who have said Smith’s wife’s name in a loud and stimulatory manner. “Why is everyone looking at me? I don’t like this. This is nothing like my closet at home.”

Later in the evening, Smith won the Academy Award for Best Actor, as well as an MMA award for his superior open-handed slapping skills. 

“Love will make you do crazy things,” Smith continued, “like beating the shit out of random middle-aged comedians who make questionable-if-in-character jokes about wife. Of course, the last time I was this overcome by love, they made me leave West Philadelphia to move to Bel-Air.

“I would like, however, to thank the men who have accepted this award before me. Few groups of distinguished men other than the Hollywood elite have set such a low bar for basic human decency. Without your precedent, I may have never been inspired to engage in such atrociously unhinged behavior on stage tonight.”

ABC, however, cut significant portions of Smith’s speech from public broadcast.

“What were we supposed to do? Show him on screen?” ABC chair Dana Walden remarked. “He brought out a cardboard cutout of Chris Rock that he had stored underneath his table. He was shadow-boxing it. Hell, he had one of August Alsina that he was attempting to intimidate in the bathroom before the ceremony. I should have seen the slap coming, but I was just as shocked as everybody else.”

Following the altercation, The CW announced that they will retroactively rename Chris Rock’s sitcom Everybody Hates Chris to Wow, Will Smith Specifically Really Hates Chris.