LONDON, United Kingdom – On Thursday, members of the British government were saddened to learn about the loss of a revenue stream also known as Queen Elizabeth II. Official reports state that she died peacefully in her bed, however staff in the castle, who are coincidentally all members of former British colonies, report that they heard the sound of “a portal or gate opening” followed by the “clinking of bones and the swishing of a scythe” as Elizabeth disappeared in a cloud of brimstone and those mentos that every old white woman keeps in her purse.
News of Elizabeth’s passing has been especially upsetting to curators and collectors working for The British Museum in London, England. In an exclusive press release from John Bonaparte III, the current department head of the Egypt and Sudan section of the infamous museum, Bonaparte stated: “The reaction by the public to Betty’s death is extremely disturbing to anyone with an ounce of moral character.” Upon hearing that Elizabeth’s corpse had been removed from the grounds of Windsor Castle, Bonaparte added that “The British Museum wholeheartedly stands against the wrongful dispossession of Betty. She has a cultural importance to the castle, and she should stay there!” Bonaparte delivered this statement while sitting cross legged atop a sarcophagus, which the museum has been using as a stepladder to put up bathroom signs.
Heads of other departments within the British Museum have also weighed in on the recent passing of Elizabeth. Mark Whitebread, who has run the Middle East division since 2011, explained to news reporters that “this has really been a wake up call for our museum. If we as Britons are sad about Elizabeth’s passing, that could mean that other people are sad when we take the bones of their ancestors. That’s called [Whitebread then took a long pause to read something from his hand] telepathy.” We believe Whitebread meant empathy, but honestly your guess is as good as ours.