SAN FRANCISCO – San Francisco’s financial district has seen drastic shifts in the past decade, shaved bare of community-oriented commerce now replaced with the endlessly sprouting hairs of technology companies. Amongst these patches resides what some call the “penile-ical” of this cultural barf, an emblem long-time local residents know and hate all too well: the SalesForce Tower.
From its base to its tip, it is impossible to not recognize this building’s likeness to male genitalia, a seemingly blatant phallic protrusion on the city’s manscape. However, in an interview, SalesForce CEO Marc Benioff revealed that the company takes conscious pride in their explicit display.
“It is called private business after all – I don’t see a better portrayal of this line of work than a massive penis,” Benioff asserted. “I also want to clarify that the length and girth of the SalesForce tower does not in any way represent us compensating for anything. It was erected with the specific intention of casting a shaft-y shadow over our competition, which is very apt for an industry chock-full of dick-measuring contests. In this same vein, I also tell my subordinates to address me as ‘dick-head,’ rather than CEO, to maintain a healthy culture of dominant white male camaraderie in the business space.”
César Pelli, the SalesForce Tower’s principal architect, delved into his design process and inspiration, joking right off the bat that his creation isn’t the only thing “packing” in the area, since long-time residents have been continuously edged out for decades, forced to relocate amidst successive iterations of San Francisco’s tech boom.
“I always like drawing inspiration from the community, which is a euphemistic way of me saying I completely stole the idea. Outsourcing work to other people while taking all the credit is the first thing you learn in the business business,” Pelli revealed with a boisterous laugh. “Also, accepting resident submissions for the SalesForce Tower design gave the public an opportunity to directly contribute in gentrifying efforts. I couldn’t imagine a better architectural representation of saying ‘fuck you’ to the city natives.”
At press time, inside sources are pursuing an anonymous tip that the design submission Pelli referenced that eventually became the infamous tower was penned by 15-year old Richard Rasch, who claims he etched the winning design in a moment of inspiration during his fourth period health class.