BERKELEY, Calif. – Following the success of UC Berkeley’s Taylor Swift Appreciation Club, a group of the absolute most depressed, melancholy queer people on campus banded together to form a new club to honor their one true love: Mitski.
“After seeing the Swifties get together at concerts, movie theaters, and just about anywhere to spread their love for Taylor, I realized that we need a similar community for all the sad, young gay adults who need background music while they cry about their homoromantic-friendships-turned-unrequited-loves, and the general ennui of life. I decided it was time to finally create the Mitski appreciation club,” explained club founder Nova Tristis while staring wistfully at a polaroid of their best friend from high school, with whom they have not spoken since graduation. “It’s been far more popular than we could have ever expected. In fact, student researchers are saying we’ve single-handedly helped double the amount of students who avoid confronting their emotions by romanticizing their own sorrow.”
Club members have also voiced enthusiasm for the club.
“It is an absolute disgrace that Mitski wasn’t nominated for any Grammys this year. I will find and behead whoever is in charge of picking nominees!” said Mitski Appreciation Club member Timothy Sadra, fully unprompted. “And trust me, I know that this Grammy snub is especially rough on her. I know her on a far deeper level than the average individual, like we’re friends but even more. And that’s why I bought tickets for her tour and screamed ‘mother!’ while sobbing whenever there was a meaningful silence or pause in the concert. And even though I know she’d totally love me if we met, her security kicked me out for ‘being terrible.’ That’s why I’m so glad this club exists, so I can appreciate Mitski at as deep and unhealthy a level as possible.”
However, not all members of the Berkeley community are supportive of the club.
“I just feel like this worship of any celebrity is unhealthy,” stated senior Devika Naidu. “It’s really dangerous to view any individual as completely flawless and godlike. It’s always good to be critical of people, no matter how much you like their music or public persona,” she added while wearing a t-shirt with the words “She Can Do No Wrong” over a picture of Nicki Minaj.
As a result of the Mitski Appreciation Club’s sudden growth in popularity, inspiring similar clubs, now popping up on college campuses nationwide, Mitski has announced she will stop touring forever out of fear of ever having to interact with any of its members.