SAN FRANCISCO — Jessica Swan, who recently moved to SF to join “X,” formerly known as Twitter, formerly a usable website, was shocked to discover that bars in the city refused to believe that she was thirty-five, despite wearing the most idiotic aged-like-milk 2013-era graphic t-shirt possible. Henry Leary, the bartender who called Swan’s age into question, remembered the encounter.
“Swan came in around 7:00 PM, complaining to her co-workers about some press conference her boss gave,” recounted Leary, stereotypically polishing glass tumblers with a dubiously “clean” rag. “When she sat down, I thought she looked a little too full of life for an adult working in San Francisco. And then came her order — an AMF, garnished with a single maraschino cherry. No way in hell somebody who has lived past twenty-one would still order that, especially not at the prices we charge. I had no idea she’d be so offended, or that everyone had noticed her shirt.”
Swan’s shirt, as nearby patron Jerry Flake recalled, was “probably the most millennial thing you’ve ever seen.”
“I don’t know who on earth produces these shirts,” Flake began, “but I know who they produce them for: millennials. I’m twenty-three, and I have met many, many, many Blockbuster-card-carrying millennials, but Swan might have had the most clichè tee I’ve ever seen. There was an anthropomorphized cup of coffee, with huge impact lettering stating ‘No Talkie Before Coffee.’ This woman was coming from an office job where she works for the richest man on earth. I am just baffled. More baffling, how didn’t that bartender know she was of drinking age? Nobody under thirty would ever, ever wear that.”
At press time, Swan announced that while she was “really flattered, it’s still wine o’clock!”