BERKELEY, Calif. – After forgetting all their distortion and effects pedals, local harsh noise band Stabby Ears made the practical decision to use the Gypsy’s Trattoria microphone to replicate the group’s signature loud, aggressive, and earbleed-inducing sound.
“It seemed like the obvious choice given our situation,” explained Stabby Ears frontman and most insufferable guy in your co-op, Danny Bitcrusher. “I think we and Gypsy’s accomplish a similar goal of having people physically jolt from the shock and pain of hearing our sounds played in public. The noises we make should be so inhuman-sounding that it’s genuinely hard to comprehend, and that’s something Gypsy’s Trattoria does incredibly well. Completely coincidentally, we also give out pieces of garlic bread that always end up slightly damp.”
Fans in attendance were quick to praise the decision.
“The sound was incredible and unlike anything I’d ever heard in the harsh noise genre,” raved indie music aficionado and guy who peed in the Death Grips mosh pit, Noisthony Pisstano. “I really loved how the mic made the vocals so jarring and upsetting. It was, like, transcendent, man. Each time they used it, I felt like I had lost control of my body and needed to relieve that physically, um, somehow. On a completely unrelated note, it made me ravenously hungry for affordable, generously-sized Italian food that I would usually only eat while blackout drunk.”
Stabby Ears guitarist Geoffrey Jefferies discussed his thoughts on using the Gypsy’s Trattoria microphone for future gigs.
“I think it would be a great idea, dude!” said Jefferies while trying really hard to not sneeze the cocaine he just snorted. “We don’t need to carry all those effects pedals everywhere and we can still have the same inaccessible music that plays to a room of like ten sweaty white guys wearing Black Midi t-shirts. But also, unfortunately, I don’t think the band’s gonna last. Inevitably, I will give up on this band and have my insanely wealthy father appoint me to the board of his massive multinational corporation despite my complete lack of qualifications and my current facade of pretending to care about progressivism, which I will soon give up on.”
Following their recent ravioli-powered show, Stabby Ears has decided to break up the band over disagreements about who had showered the least in the last 3 months and was therefore the most punk.