NEW YORK CITY – After enrolling in NYU Stern this fall with a concentration in “interpretive capitalist philosophy and Big Money,” Barron Trump revealed that he is now socially liberal and fiscally conservative after a few months at the school.
“I really empathize with the struggles of the poor. I thought about flying economy class once, and I basically lived without a dad when he was in court for federal crimes,” lamented Trump after receiving a $100,000 deposit in his account for this semester’s tuition. “That’s why I’m okay with gay people, basic human rights, and maybe immigrants depending on how I feel that day. But I just don’t think markets should be regulated or basic support should be given to those who are just worse, and I can say that while totally not being completely conservative! Some guy called Adam Smidt or something said that it was the best model.”
Trump has also undergone a style and lingo transformation at NYU, uncovering more of this genuine personality beyond the polished image he’d been presenting to the world.
“Even though he usually wears dress shirts and slacks, he’s actually really cool and alt,” explained fellow socially liberal and fiscally conservative classmate Reginald Buffett. “He paints his nails, listens to The Dare, and even occasionally wears a tote bag with records he bought at the store with his dad’s credit card. Sure, he tries to hide his last name but doesn’t everyone have to hide the fact their dad is a billionaire?”
“Sometimes I go to Brooklyn,” explained Trump. “Activism is so important. I’m 6’9 by the way. Women are so underappreciated for real. I totally know who Faye Webster is,” he said, while sporting a newly acquired ‘thrifted’ Carhartt jacket he bought for $300 on Grailed. “I really think it’s important to support those who are less fortunate, which is why I think poverty is real. But spending more money on that would be irresponsible. So would taxing the rich – we should just offer moral support to the poor instead.”
At press time, Trump was spotted heading to class his private chauffeured car while complaining about unnecessary and wasteful government spending.