BERKELEY, Calif. – With every election season, The Free Peach’s Editorial Board endorses candidates and measures relevant to its readers. Our endorsements rely on thorough research, candidate interviews, but also actually nothing because we often lie to pad our resumes. We endorse what we think will best represent our pursuit of the unbiased truth— and the interests of Berkeley residents, as opposed to corporate interests.
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President of the United States:
- Bobby Sanders: Bernie Sanders took the Substance (2024) and created a younger, cooler version of himself that will also host an 80s-style workout show unrelated to politics.
Berkeley Mayor:
- Daniel Groaner, CPA: A Denver-based accountant I randomly found on LinkedIn. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a Mayor named Groaner? Groaner has proved himself as someone with skills in Excel, creative problem-solving, and organizational leadership (with 2+ endorsements from his peers).
Berkeley City Council:
- District 5 – Jim “Jim” JimJim
- District 7 – None. District 7 will no longer exist on our watch.
- District 12 – Katniss Everdeen
- District 14 – Your dad (he thinks he can fix everything based on his 2-day visit)
Berkeley Rent Board and Berkeley School Board:
- Because the entirety of the Free Peach skips class and is currently squatting in a Cold War-era nuclear bunker under Evans, we cannot endorse any candidates at this time. However, we can endorse the gophers and rats from the bunker who graciously offered us roots and tubers to eat.
Ballot Measure Endorsements:
- Measure PP: NO
- We oppose the measure’s ban on public urination on Econ majors who support trickle-down economics.
- Measure PuPu: YES
- Would install bidets on the Cal Football Field. It’s about time someone did something about that shit show
- Measure YUM: YES
- Would create a $10 trillion municipal bond so we can order 600 billion Philly cheesesteaks from IBs on Snackpass and rack up a fuck ton of points.
- Measure PEN15: NO
- We oppose the measure setting a new standard that increases what’s considered “average” from 3 in. to 4.5 inches. That’s way too big, right? Right?
- Measure J: YES
- Would nullify the Gadsden Purchase and give that part of southern Arizona back to Mexico.
- Measure IJBOL: YES
- Would effectively ban all hijinks, antics, shenanigans, buffoonery, clowning, and tomfoolery. Further, it would ban Thesaurus.com.