BERKELEY, Calif. – Following their destruction of the iconic free speech landmark People’s Park, UC Berkeley reaffirmed their support of political expression by graciously allowing the community to choose a name for the new residence hall to be built on that land.
“At first, I was a little conflicted because they violently displaced dozens of people and illegally shut down any sign of protest,” explained sophomore Tew Trustin. “But then, I realized the administration is actually really progressive and forward-thinking! They generously let us submit a form where we can freely express our ideologies, ideas, and philosophies by suggesting a name for the new residence hall that will almost certainly be rejected. Sure, we have to dox ourselves to suggest the name, but this clearly shows that Chancellor Lyons wants to truly hear our thoughts.”
UC Berkeley faculty also voiced their support for the naming contest.
“As a public policy professor, I try my hardest to get students to understand the power of compromise,” explained professor Joseph Robinette, while sipping a cappuccino in his $3.5 million Berkeley Hills mansion. “All the leftists were complaining about how tragic of a loss it would be for the university to demolish the last remaining green space in Southside, a symbol of civil rights, and a home for dozens of unhoused people. But look where compromise got us. We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, get to maybe name a building. Our systems really do work indeed.”
While many members of the community were supportive of the initiative, students like freshman Berkeley College Republicans member Fash Hizzum felt it went too far.
“Must I remind people? We live in a REPUBLIC, not a DEMOCRACY. There is a clear reason why we do not have people directly vote and contribute to policies,” argued Hizzum, while writing a 4-page love letter to conservatism on r/BenShapiro. “If we let people have a very unlikely chance at naming a building, what’s next? That’s right, communism. Unfortunately, people like me get persecuted for these opinions by the crazed indoctrinated liberal Maoist mob. One example is how my first and only Hinge match refuses to respond to my invitation to a TPUSA book burning. Really makes you think.”
Following the release of this residence hall naming contest, Chancellor Lyons announced the minimum cost for a quad will be $25,000 per semester.